Classic simpsons quotes

[Ball Ox]

Lisa: "TV networks prefer reality TV shows because they dont have to pay writers and producers"
Homer: "Stupid writers and producers, priceed themselves right out of the market"

And as per W-O-W
"But marge sipowicz does it"

[iamthelaw]

"Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen"

"Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it."

"Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"

"Lou: Cecil just voluntarily confessed, chief.
Wiggum: Well that's some good work, Lou. You'll make Sergeant for this.
Lou: I already am a sergeant.
Wiggum: Perhaps you are, but I say Bob goes back to jail!
Bob: But surely! I--caught--Cecil!
Wiggum: Maybe so, but Lou here, says you were resisting arrest.
Lou: No I didn't, chief.
Wiggum: Quiet Lou! Or I will bust you down to Sergeant so fast, it'll make your head spin!"

"Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room."

"Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"

[Ball Ox]

Homer: Homer Simpson never lies twice.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yes, but that was part of a single ball of lies.


Nelson: Stealing is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark

[eamo]

Smashing thead this Traore. You have redeemed yourself.

There are so many. This one springs to mind. Bart was caught shoplifting.

Homer: Stealing - I dont believe it. Why do you think that we take you to that place on a Sunday and make you listen to sermons by Captain what-his-name? Why did you think I took you to see those Police Academy movies? For the comedy? Well I didnt see anyone laughing - did you? Except for the guy that does the sound effects.... (proceeds to give the worst attempt at sound effects ever)...

I'm going for a beer

[Ball Ox]

Sorry eamo, im the free prick now. Also he doesnt say im going for a beer he says: "Where were we... oh yeah stay out of my booze" I think i deserve an exalt.

Homer: Thats it, im getting out of this town alive if it kills me

Homer: OK, but be back here by 5pm, cause when it gets dark all the weirdos turn crazy. IM ON TO YOU.

Cult voice: ...after that our intergallactic space ship will take you to our planet blisstonia, wher you will be guaranteed a lifetime of love and serenity, and loving serenity.
Moe: Loving serenity, its about damn time

[eamo]

Another one:

Millhouse had gone missing. Wiggum was reassuring his parents that everything would be ok.

Wiggum: These dogs will find your boy
Parents: Will they find him or will they find him and eat him?
Wiggum: Well they'll sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur............
Parents: Sorry you didnt answer, you just fobbed us off there
Wiggum: Yeah I kinda did fob you off there didnt I...

[iamthelaw]

"Homer: Weaselling out of things is what separates us from all the other animals...except the weasel."

"Marge: The car didn't have all those dents in it before.
Homer: Before, before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past!"

"Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do I know what "rhetorical" means?"

"Lisa: But you have recruiting ads on TV. Why do you need subliminal messages?
Lt. Smash: It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and superliminal.
Lisa: Superliminal?
Smash: I'll show you. (opens the window and shouts at Lenny and Carl, who are standing on the corner) Hey, you! Join the Navy!
Carl: Uh, yeah, all right.
Lenny: I'm in"

"Homer: Lisa, I never apologise - I'm sorry, that's just the way I am"

Exalted, TAFKAFOR.

[eamo]

When Homer discovers the TV character with the same name:

Carl: Can I have an autograph Mr Simpson sir?
Homer: OK what's the name?
Carl: Homer I have been working with you for 10 years
(Homer looks blankely)
Carl: Its Carl
(Homer proceeds to write on the hankerchief)
Carl: This is my name, I wanted your name
Homer: Take it or leave it (peering at the hankerchief) Carl

[goran2001]

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut!.... There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

[jimmyhillschin]

Homer: I'm no missionary, I don't even believe in Jeebus. Let me out!

Man: Sorry. No can do!

Homer: Oh! Save me Jeebus!

[iamthelaw]

"Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. [counts them on his fingers] Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else..."

"Lisa: [sigh] I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Alison's friend, not her competitor. I mean...she is a wonderful person...
Bart: Way to go, Lis. I mean, why compete with someone who's just going to kick your butt anyway?
Lisa: [pause] I prefer my phrasing."

"Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure."

[whyohwhy]

Homer with Apu, talking about sex in marriage

Apu: Manjula and I do all the positions.

Homer: What! on top AND on the bottom!


Homer & Flanders driving in a snow storm. There's a bump as the car hits something.

Flanders: Homer, I think we hit something.

Homer: Ooohhhh, I hope it was Flanders......

[eamo]

Apu and Manjula arguing in foreign language. Marge and Homer are watching.

Marge: I think we should leave - I cant make out what they are saying so I cant help

Homer: Hold on Marge I think I am getting this. Kuandu (some indian word) means 'pig' and I think Manjula is some kind of spaceship......



When Marge finds Homer's gun:
Homer: I swear to you Marge I never though you would find out



When Homer was the beer baron (best ever episode imo)
Homer: Oh no. I forgot to check if the coast was clear.
Ah it's probably clear

Wheelbarrow bumps into Marge about a foot away.

Homer: Let me explain Marge. Oh why won't you let me explain?



When Lisa gets lost and Homer is looking for her. He calls out, she responds, but he cant see her.

Homer: 'I need to get up higher'

Spots a guy selling helium balloons.

Homer: 'Ah ha'

Next scene cuts to him talking to some man

Homer: ' I'll give you these balloons if you let me use your cherrypicker'

[Ball Ox]

"Museum? I dont like the sound of that."

[whyohwhy]

Homer singing:

"I am so smart, I am so smart

S-M-R-T

I mean

S-M-A-R-T"

[iamthelaw]

the said:

"Museum? I dont like the sound of that."

Homer: "Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'."

Also Homer:

(drunk): "Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!"

"I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man."

"I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy ... like motherhood."

"When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power like God must feel ... when he's holding a gun."

[eamo]

Bart and Lisa competing over hockey. It turns violent. Bart has a bar in his hand and starts waving it around.

Bart (to Lisa): I am just going to go like this (ie waving the bar) and if you get hit then it is your own fault.

Later on in the episode Marge is making a cake and Homer is watching her. Maggie starts crying.

Marge: Now Homer don't eat this cake.
Marge leaves

Homer (to cake): Now cake I am just going to go like this (a chomping motion) and if you get eaten then its your own fault.

He moves towards the cake with this chomping motion and wallops his head off the cooker.

Homer: Ah to hell with this

Takes cake in hands and guzzles it down

[eamo]

Principle Skinner is doing his stand-up comedy. Before he goes on Krusty gives him an introduction.

Krusty: 'Who do we have next? Principle Skinner?? I know this guy. HE'S NOT FUNNY. So give it up for Principle Skinner'

[eamo]

Sideshow Bob had hypnotised Bart into killing Krusty. Bart arrives back home.
Marge: 'Where have you been?'
Bart: (recalling what Sideshow Bob told him to say) 'I was at the flower shop'
Homer: 'Yeees I was at the flower shop as well.....Oh yeah getting drunk at the old flower shop'

The one with the Stonecutters organisation. Homer was pissed off that Lenny and Karl wouldn't tell him what they were doing and was saying this to Marge.
Homer: 'Tonight I am going to follow Lenny and Carl and see where they go'
Marge: 'You can't do that Homer. That is stalking them'
Homer: 'But Marge...'
Marge: 'Promise me you won't stalk them'
Homer: 'Ok I promise'

Homer gets up from the table obviously going to follow Lenny and Carl. He is trying to think of an excuse to go out

Homer: 'Alright I am just going out now to......... stalk......... Lenny....... and Karl'

Realises what he said

Homer: 'D'oh'

[humbug]

Homer: What is a wedding? Webster's dictionary defines a wedding as 'the process of removing weeds from one's garden.'

Some spinning newspaper headlines (and sub-headlines):-

BIG FAT MAN HAS BIG FAT HEART
Little Thin Man Accused In Robbery

QUIMBY NEPHEW CHARGED IN BEATING
Chowder Said Wrong

[eamo]

This came to me over the weekend...

The one where Homer went to college.

Nerds: 'What are you going to do about the exam tomorrow?'

Homer: 'Don't worry guys. I have it all figued out. I am going to hide under a pile of coats and hope that everything will turn out alright'

[jimmyhillschin]

Can't beat a good oul ramble fom Monty

Mr.Burns: (To Homer)One more thing...You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr.Burns: And the road maps, and the driving gloves?!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr.Burns:Then its all falling into place!

[eamo]

Monty was filing out a medical questionnaire

Name: 'Charles Montgomery Burns'
Parents Alive/Dead: 'Dead'
Cause of Parents' Death: 'Got in my way'

Monty goes mad when his Casino opens. He won't get out of bed. Suddenly he comes to his senses.

Burns: Smithers get these Klenex boxes off my feet
Smithers: And those jars of urine sir?
Burns: We'll hold onto those

Burns wants to play golf with Homer after seeing him play on the security cameras in work.

Burns: Who is that Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson Sir
Burns: He seems like a good golfer - worthy of a game with Monty Burns. Do you remember the time I played Richard Nixon? I couldn't stand it. (Imitates Nixon) I can't go to jail Monty - they'll eat me alive. Say I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Not likely Sir. Their surname is pronounced and spelt differently

When Lenny 'attacks' Burns in his car

Burns: It was horrible Smithers. He had an evil glint in his eye and his breath stank of beer and pretzled bread

When Homer intentionally gains weight and drives the ice cream truck into the power plant to save it from meltdown. When the workers hear it they flock towards it while Burns is attempting to get them to exercise.

Burns: Come back people. There will be plenty of time for the frozen pudding wagon later

[Ball Ox]

"Hi Im Troy McLure, you might remember me from such self - help videos as "Smoke yourself thin" and "Get confident, stupid"

[pagey]

Marge, I'm pulling an all nighter for my little girl. Put on a pot of coffee, drink it, and start making burgers.

From the same episode when the electricity is cut by Burns and Homer has two batteries left, he puts them into the radio and sings along to the Spice Girls 'I'll tell you what I want.......' --Brillant, so funny.

My other favourite is when he sings the Mexican Hat Dance song and starts dancing.